The Supreme Court Bans Condoms

2 min readJul 17, 2022

Justice Alito in the landmark 5–4 Decision wrote “there’s nothing in the constitution the mentions condoms we therefore decree condoms are unconstitutional.”

Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash

Just days after SCOTUS overturned Roe v Wade the conservative majority issued another ruling that has wide range complications.


In a landmark decision the Supreme Court ruled 5–4 in Texas v. Trojan that because condoms were not specifically mentioned in the constitution they are not allowed to be sold to the public. Justices Clarence Thomas, Amy Coney Barret, Neil Gorsuch, Samuel Alito, and Brett “Boof me up” Kavanaugh wrote that “condoms were wrongly decided from the start, it’s time to return to the 1300s where men could impregnate any women they want back to the states.” Amy Coney Barrett in the majority decision also wrote that “There is no evidence that condoms prevent STIs or STDs we believe god will protect our beautiful flat earth.”

The case started after Texas legislator Randall Dickington sued Trojan after he felt his son’s use of a condom was violating his religious liberty to father a grandchild. “Nothing says I love you like forcing your son to have a child against his will. So, I sued the company all the way to the Supreme Court.” says Randall as he sits on the couch watching old videos of himself fucking horses.

“I’m just a normal guy that sees women as second-class citizens, is it a crime to force them women to carry a life that I have a no intention of supporting after it gets out of the womb?” When asked how a woman is supposed to support a child after giving birth, he just shrugs.

“Not my problem you can’t afford a $10,000 pregnancy blame your womb.”

The state legislator sued the manufacturer Trojan for “violating my own moral rights to force my sons to have an unwanted pregnancy” to the Texas State Supreme Court which rejected the argument by calling the case “insane and ludicrous.” Then the Supreme Court agreed the hear the case in December before releasing their ruling this week against the use of condoms.

Justice Samuel Alito ended his morning boofing therapy session with Justice Kavanaugh to write for the landmark decision. “There is nothing in the constitution providing protection from sexually transmitted diseases, or safe sex, or unwanted pregnancies. I know because I believe in a 17th century philosopher that believed in witchcraft. Much like abortion, a right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and traditions




A person that really enjoys writing about food, culture, politics, justice, climate change, relationships, and other interesting topics.