“Bout time the straights had their own parade to prevent the unwanted advances of the queer virus”
In response to Gay Pride Parades that have been observed for over 40 years, opponents are launching their own counterprotest: straight pride parades.
The events will be occurring every Saturday in June to commemorate the number of individuals who blazed a path for millions of Americans in the name of heterosexuality. According to BibleHiveMind.org Christians, Mormons, and Evangelicals were put on this earth to control people and command others to adhere to their narrow-minded religious views or be lovingly ostracized for the crime of falling in love with human beings. While the origins are muddled there still seems to be a lot of confusion over what exactly it means to be straight. To find out we sent our reporters to various locations across America to talk to the straight pride organizers.
The Struggle of Straights
Christina Hypocrite is a 45-year-old housewife, married to a pastor from the Mormon Church near Salt Lake City, Utah. We sit down as she gets distracted by our young female intern Diana looking at her with eyes of interest before snapping her attention back to us with a plastered smile. “It’s a struggle that us religious types go through every day. Looking around seeing women kiss other women and then painfully explaining how naughty it is to our traumatized 17-year-old who masturbates to lesbian interracial porn.
Christina looks again at our intern with lust in her hazel eyes as Diana looks up and smile back at her. She grabs her dress and bites her lip in arousal. We asked if she wanted her number, Christina flashes us a look of anger.
“Are you out of your mind? If I give into my raging in-the-closet lust for your intern, I’ll feel more satisfied than my husband ever made me. But I’ll be in hell! See the kind of struggles us heterosexuals have to put up with every day! We have to see them every day at the mall, in public park, even in high school. I’m feeling a little hot I’m gonna see the doctor at the church and see if I’ve got the lesbian virus.” Christina grips the chair in frustration as she looks longingly at our intern shyly looking back at her.
The Gay Media
Eric Bonnerville is a 51-year-old from Charleston, West Virginia who’s been mining coal since the day his dad retired 15 years ago. We asked him about the Straight Pride Parade he organized in his own town as he beams with a smile. “I love the straights and felt like we needed a way to let the world know that Straight Lives Matter”
When we asked him why there was a need for it, Eric told us the reason why. Television. “The gayness is being shoved down our throats and we can’t take too much girth.” We asked him why there seems to be more tolerance about the LGBTQ community despite his protests he cited the culprit. “Kids in school these days are being bombarded with too much about acceptance and love by the gay media complex. What’s next marrying your own horse?”
We asked if he’s religious. Yes, he told us.
“I’m an evangelical Christian who believes in loving thy neighbor unless you’re one of those Homosexuals then we’ll judge you for loving a different gender. I hate gays so much I beat them whenever they give me a boner.” We then asked about his group he outlined what the main goal was.
“We only support anyone who wants a 100% sexually suppressed society like our white Jesus whispered to us while we were masturbating to gay porn at 3 in the morning.”
“It’s in the Bible”
Randal Hardon is a 59-year-old Republican party chairman for the state of Pennsylvania. His dad used to work in the old Bethlehem Steel Plant until thousands of workers were laid off in 1982, and Randal went from working at local newspaper until it he was laid off before getting involved in fashion design. When asked about his thoughts about creating a Straight Pride Parade he flashes a smile before explaining why.
“Ya know I’m a Republican that believes in individual freedom, which is why I want to enforce my religious beliefs on others in the name of freedom.” We asked if that seemed a little hypocritical “Nonsense” he said. “I’m an Evangelical Christan that was taught to treat first class heterosexuals as equals and everyone whose LGBA or BLT or whatever they are as a bottom class citizen. It’s why I slap a homeless person for fun.”
We asked about why he works in fashion design, and he explained why. “As a Republican I secretly longed to wear female clothes but was taught not to do it, so instead I used projectionism and denialism about my own lust for men to deny others the right of self-expressionism.” As he says this, he stares with envy at two men holding hands as he grows noticeably arouse.
“If only this country taught more intolerance and restricted freedom, we’d be in a better place”