Senator Ted Cruz Arrested After Assaulting Big Bird

“How dare you promote rational ideas to kids. Just like that communist Eisenhower did with polio!”

Just days after accusing Big Bird of indoctrinating kids, Senator Ted Cruz took matters into his own hands. The Texas Senator was on his way home at George Washington International Airport when he noticed a giant yellow talking bird giving candy to a baby. Enraged Ted Cruz according to multiply witnesses marched over to the six foot bird and punched him right in the beak in front of a five year old girl. After several blows and a black eye to the talking bird the DC policy finally pulled the senator off and arrested him on the spot.

“You don’t understand” Rafeal Cruz screamed to a crowd of onlookers while being handcuffed to the ground “He’s indoctrinating your kids by demanding they take the vaccine! Just like polio!” When our reporters asked him to elaborate on what he meant by polio Cruz explained “I’m pro-life which is why I believe in the freedom for your five year old to die young.” Senator Lisa Murkowski who was one of the witnesses said Ted Cruz was “being a jackass” by beating up Big Bird in front of a young child.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnel decried the Washington DC Police department as “using political tactics to silence freedom of speech for conservatives.” The minority leader continued “The Senator has the right to express himself which is why it’s an outrage that the police stopped him from beating up a figure popular with kids seven and younger.”

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