“The only way to solve the homeless problem is by launching them off earth”
Senate Republicans unveiled a new idea to solve the country’s homeless crisis: launch them into the sun. The idea initially proposed by Senator Mitch McConnell as an amendment to the Reconciliation bill was celebrated by the Chamber of Commerce. spokesman Gene Sandberger representing the firm said “Businesses are suffering from this homeless crisis, it’s a problem that makes it unsafe for women and children. Why not throw the homeless into the burning sun?”
When asked about using problems like housing first Mr. Sandberger said “Why? So they can have a second chance to get reintegrated into society to live the American dream? Not on our watch.”
The plan calls for the federal government to directly contract with Blue Origin to receive $80 billion over ten years to launch all rockets with homeless people on a one trip wonder to the sun. Jeff Bezos said his company already did a pilot program by drugging 1,000 homeless people and blasting them off to the moon the next morning. We spoke to small and large business owners who reacted positively to the proposed amendment.
Anal Bumkin is a forty-five year old business owner in Puyallup, Washington who grows tired of seeing homeless people camping across the street from his hardware store. When he heard about the news he was skeptical until he heard the announcement that Blue Origin would be stuffing them all inside their rockets at the manufacturing facility in Kent. He beamed to the news. “I’ll be really happy to get these lazy bums off our street. There’s nothing more American than giving socialism to the rich while incinerating the poor.”
Steve Schmidt is a fifty-three year old church-goer in Virginia who sells guns to children twelve and under. He was excited to hear that he wouldn’t have to see those people living in tents at the church parking lot two blocks east of him. “Sure it would be cheaper to end it with a one time payment of $20 billion, but I’d rather we spent our money on fattening billionaire’s pockets and cleansing the poor.”
Members of Congress reacted positively to the news. Senator Mitch McConnel said it was “a great opportunity to show that government still discriminates against the poor” while cutting his filet mignon with the Chamber of CEO. Senator Ted Cruz on the senate floor said “This homeless to heaven opportunity program is a way that my Democrat friends and Republicans can agree on. The only way to solve this homeless problem is by launching them off of earth into the million degree sun. Only the wealthy are allowed to live on Earth.”
A similar piece of legislation sponsored by Florida Reptile Rick Scott calls for Pope Francis to the be launched into the Sun first to shut him up about his critiques of Capitalism. “He’s making us look bad as pseudo-Christians, his ideas of social justice offends me” Scott says as he gets out of the pool.