Penguins up in arms about Trump’s Tariffs on Remote Island
‘What the flip bro?’ says Skipper as trade war begins on island off the Australian coast.
In the latest escalation of his ongoing trade war with other countries and territories, President Trump announced a 10% tariff on all goods imported from Heard Island and McDonald Islands. The uninhabited islands in the Indian Ocean are inhabited by thousands of penguins.
“They’ve been freeloading for years,” Trump told reporters while unveiling a new line of red, white, and blue golf balls with his expressionless orange face on them. “These penguins, they’re the worst. They don’t pay taxes, they don’t build walls, and they’re always sliding around like they own the place. Totally unfair.”
In a statement release by the administration officials, the White House said the tariff “would apply to all goods and services produced on the island” for the foreseeable future. This sent shockwaves through the island’s penguin population, many of whom were unaware they had been part of the global economy at all.
“We just eat fish and occasionally stare at the sky” said Emperor Tuxedo Waddles, head of the fish and swimmers' union on the island. “We didn’t even know what a fucking tariff was until yesterday. Now our ice imports are worth 10% less! Why is this dumb fuck taxing a remote territory with no actual human beings?!”
The AP and NBC News confirmed that in response to the announcement, thousands of penguins waddled in a large single file line across the icy terrain holding tiny protest signs such as “Stop the Krill Tax”, “Fair Trade, Or Get the Flipper”, and “Fuck around and find out.” Another action the penguins are taking is sending their representatives to India, Vietnam, Chile, and Canada to negotiate a deal which would reduce fish imports into the United States. Canadian Prime Minister and the island’s representative were crafting a statement where penguins would receive tariff free ice imports in exchange for Canada receiving some rare Antarctica silverfish.
White House sources claim the move was part of a broader strategy to crack down on what Trump called the “unchecked, totally unfair trade from these damn birds.” When asked why Heard and McDonald Islands were targeted despite having no exports, infrastructure, or human population, Trump responded, “They’ve been screwing us for years.”
At press time, the penguin economy was reportedly down after a sharp decline in krill-backed securities and a failed attempt to establish a blockchain currency known as ‘IcyCoin’.
