Nov 2, 2021
Democrats Propose Solving Climate Crisis with Single Block of Ice
“This Ice Cube is the Biggest Win for Working Families in a Generation”
In an effort to appeal to climate activists Democrats have proposed to add language to the reconciliation bill that would solve the climate crisis using ice. The plan is to hire a team of international investigators to travel to Alaska to carve out a big block of ice before placing it in the middle of Seattle. The block of ice will remain stationary for one week before randomly traveling to other cities so residents can admire what we won’t have in 50 years. Nestle Water’s will be contracting with the government to provide cool relief to residents during heat waves using a horse and cart to carry it across country.
A top Democratic aid to Nancy Pelosi speaking on a condition of anonymity explains why this was an important step.
“We started with a lot of climate change legislation in the reconciliation package to help working families afford green energy. Then Senator Joe Manchin said no to all of those. Eventually we kept stripping out popular legislation from the bill on the issue of climate change until we came to an agreement to provide a giant block of ice.”
The aid said Joe Manchin shot down every proposal to help combat the negative aspects brought about by climate change. At the end he proposed a giant block of ice as a conciliatory effort to climate activists. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and the Progressive Caucus soon announced their support for the legislation for a national block of ice. “This is an important first step and I’d like to thank Joe Manchin for helping us throw breadcrumbs to younger generations and tell them you’re shit out of luck.”
Vice Chair of the Progressive Caucus Ro Khanna called this provision “transformative change” that will make a difference to working families. The California Democrat representing Silicon Valley went on to explain.
“While we have not gotten everything we wanted I believe this ten foot block of ice traveling across the country will be enough to save our planet from extreme heat waves and ocean acidification” Ro Khanna said in an interview on MSNBC. “Sure we stripped out all the 70% plus popular provisions in the bill like the green energy incentives for poor people but this was the best deal we could get by thinking small instead of big.”
Our team reached out to Nestle Waters for clarification on what they’ll charge consumers after they announced on Twitter they’d start at $20 per cubic inch of ice before increasing prices by 50% each year over ten years. When asked if they were worried about price gouging customers they said “then don’t buy it, it’s not our fault we let your grandma die from heat exhaustion at 110 degrees in Seattle.”
President Biden announced his support for the giant block of ice to combat climate change. “It’s a once in a generation win for American families for the first time in forty years you’ll be delivered ice to feel relieve as our planet continues to burn and drown. This ice cube is the biggest win for working families in a generation. It provides relief to working Americans as you smell thick smoke and evacuate your home from a fast moving forest fires.”
